Intuition and Culty Wellness
Gut Feelings, Self-Worth, and my time in a Cult
Okay… that’s a loaded subtitle.
Why is listening to, and trusting our intuition so important?
“Listen to your inner voice…for it is a deep and powerful source of wisdom, beauty and truth, ever flowing through you…
Learn to trust it, trust your intuition, and in good time, answers to all you seek to know will come, and the path will open before you.”
Caroline Joy Adams
What I’m about to say is either going to be really SCARY, or really LIBERATING…
No one has the answer for you.
No one person can tell you how to be successful. They can tell you how they did it - what worked for them.
There is no one-size-fits-all. Especially as a Creative.
We’re here to create our own answers.
If you’re not practiced at this yet, find someone or something that helps you extract those answers from yourself.
It could be a Coach, a Podcast, a Creative Process, Meditation, A Nature Walk, Cooking Dinner, Finger Painting…whatever tunes you into yourself.
Sometimes it requires some experimentation to find alignment. But when you are tuned in to your truth, all of these things are a portal to your Intuition.
Your Intuition.
It’s asking: Does this feel like a good answer for me right now?
Your intuition won’t lead you astray - we just need to learn how to listen, and when to be in trust.
As Creatives we were taught (implicitly or explicitly) not to value the intuition that told us to pursue the path of becoming a Creative.
We’re told it’s the improbable path, not a viable source of income, it’s not safe or secure and therefore you shouldn’t trust it. You ‘should use logic and rationale to make important decisions, especially when it comes to your career.’
This sets up an internal conflict whereby you don’t trust your gut…or it takes a lot of effort to. We may find ourselves constantly questioning our worth, because now it means more if we’re going to go out on a limb and follow the path that feels aligned. It audaciously proclaims that you trust your gut against all odds!
And in that case, it feels like you have to be right. As a result, we may feel the need to prove we’re successful or worthy right away.
So if someone comes along and tells us they have the answer we think we need to be successful (and get this huge weight off our back)…then we’re inclined to take it.
I know this.
I wanted to become a successful actress… a personal development course claimed to have all the answers.
SOLD.
I talk about this process in today’s Untangling.
Creative Nuggs
As Creatives, arguably our biggest gift is our Feelings.
Sometimes they’re just feelings that need to be felt, sometimes they translate to creative expression, and other times those feeling nuggets are Intuition.
It’s time to reclaim this ever-present guidance system, and trust it.
We can call Intuition by many names; gut feelings, an inner knowing, internal compass/guidance, higher self, psychic ability, a download, inspiration, ESP, third-eye, soul whisper, source wisdom, just to name a few.
Do you currently have a process for tuning into your Intuition?
In the Artists Way Julia Cameron talks about the “Morning Pages” as being a process to contact our inner compass and help us fine-tune our ability to listen past our Censor (ego, or rational mind).
The morning pages are just one way to do this, but we can participate in other “artist-brain” activities - some of which I mentioned above; painting, driving, walking, running.
The key is activity (read: it’s active!) that gets us out of our heads. Next we listen to what bubbles up.
Our latest Juicy Life episode with Ashley Sumner speaks to this. She shares wisdom from her own coach regarding the growth of her business.
“You can only grow exponentially in thinking and feeling. That doesn’t happen at your computer. Get out. Go on a hike, talk to a friend, walk on the beach, stare at a blank wall. My ideas comes to me when I’m washing or cooking or whatever.”
In so many ways, it feels counter-intuitive to the “answer” we’ve been told. If you want to be successful - learn everything, work hard, commit, solve problems, and keep pushing.
And yet our biggest inspirations tend to come when we’re relaxed, doing something fun, through a dream, or talking to other people.
Why is it so hard to remember this truth when we are wrapped up in stress and trying to force everything happen on our timeline?
Quite simply - It’s hard to trust.
We feel the need to know, to get the formula. If it’s not working, then we’re not working hard enough!
And yet:
“Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next.” – Jonas Salk
How does Intuition play a role in Creativity?
In Your Sixth Sense, Belleruth Naparstek discusses her view on the difference between intuition and psychic ability. Both of which she argues are entirely accessible to all of us.
Intuition is what we “feel with our own sensory apparatus, we pick up feelings, sensations, perceptions and emotions that are not ours but belong to someone or something else.”
Where as a Psychic Knowing is "a “sudden, cognitive pop, an instantaneous awareness of a whole idea that bypasses anything we would consider to be the normal process of thinking.”
Rick Rubin shares a similar thread, all creativity stems from the wisdom surrounding us in the form of “precious wisps” that “arise from the unconscious like vapor, and condense to form a thought. An idea.”
Intuition may appear to come from within, but it’s always working in tandem with something larger, something inexplicable.
That’s why learning to trust it can feel so challenging.
According to Robert and Michèle Root-Bernstein in their book Sparks of Genius, to think creatively is first to feel.
“Our feelings–our intuitions–are not impediments to rational thinking, they form its orgin and bases. Not only do scientists feel their way toward logical ideas, but creative thinking and expression in every discipline are born of intuition and emotion”
I champion celebrating ALL of our feelings and intuitions for the wisdom, creativity, and possibility they provide for us…
As opposed to seeing Feelings and Intuition as an impediment to rational thinking.
It’s a perfect place to tell you a doozy of a story…
The Untangling
This has been an “untangling” in the truest sense.
I am going to spill some tea on something I’ve never written about or shared in any great detail publicly, because I want to make sure it doesn’t happen to you.
(Know that a 7 hour podcast wouldn’t even cover my thoughts and feelings, so I’m doing my best in this little “Untangling.” Can I promise brevity in future publications? Ha)
I was in a Cult.
I even referred to it as my cult, like it was just my little pet name for something I liked that other people thought was weird. My friends knew that I blocked two weeks every summer to go to my “Cult Camp.”
If you’re into this kind of thing then you’ll have no doubt heard about NXIVM. It was so zeitgeisty that Nick Jonas played the Cult Leader in this SNL sketch.
Not coincidentally “the tech” developed by said Cult Leader (Keith Raniere) was called Rational Inquiry.
Now, I’ll be holding a press conference after this newsletter drops - but here are some of my truths in the meantime:
I was not involved in the “sex cult” part of it and I didn’t know anything about it, but I was involved with the organization for about 6 years (mostly in Vancouver).
I heard and noticed a few weird things over the years and would share them with some of the people closest to me (who were also involved), there was usually an ‘explanation’ or ‘perspective’ that I could wrap my head around. And at that time it didn’t outweigh the good that I was experiencing, and the good that the organization was ‘intending’ to do.
I felt like I could leave at any time, which is why it never occurred to me that it could be a cult. (Many others did not feel this freedom)
I noticed a lot of people getting swept up in the next course that had the answers we needed, and then the next thing after that… but I felt like I had the power to say no (and I often did) even if I felt left out.
I believed it was really helping me, helping others, and ultimately helping the world. (It became clear that this was NOT the intention of the leader, but I believe it was for many people involved)
When news of this being a “legit Cult” first broke in 2017, I was SHOOK.
It was absolutely absurd to me. How could any of it be true and who would let themselves get swept up in the insanity of a ‘sex cult’ masquerading as women’s empowerment?
And yet I knew it was all true.
It went against all rational thought, but I felt it immediately.
I processed in a few stages.
Stage 1 (in order of events):
I received a call from someone I trusted who was warning women - initially I thought she lost her mind. I confirmed with another source and even without all the facts I decided to walk away. My gut said ‘nope girl BYE’. I lost money as a result but I didn’t care.
I then received many calls from people who were still “in”. I heard both sides, I empathized with their position. It didn’t change my decision.
Actual news broke. Enter Mortification Stage.
I was desperate not to be “found out” and associated with this. I didn’t think anyone could possibly take me seriously after this.
Ultimately I felt that because I always had one foot in and one foot out (my lack of commitment here served me well), I believed I was exiting unscathed. I didn’t have things to process. I could separate the good things I got from it and move on like nothing happened.
TV shows about NXIVM aired (The Vow, Seduced) and each week I watched, praying that my face wouldn’t make the b-roll.
Duh, of course it did - on the very last episode… I 100% understood the path that took these women down this rabbit hole into a ‘Sex Cult’, and I felt bad for all of them…even the ones who were still choosing to be “in”, but I personally felt okay.
Stage 2 - The Slow Burn:
Two of my good friends pointed out some beliefs I held that were part of my ‘indoctrination’. I had a belief that women weren’t disciplined, that we were let off the hook more often than men. It was difficult to see it for what it was; gaslighting. This had me questioning what else I let slip through the cracks.
I feverishly read the trial court transcripts and could not believe what I was reading. It reminded me of one of the programs I chose not to participate in - from the outside I thought holy shit, imagine if this was some machievillian plan to control everyone and get them to do bad things? I quickly pushed that thought out and reminded myself of all the good - what was wrong with me that I would think that?
If I’m honest, the biggest realizations didn’t come to light until after I quit drinking and started connecting with myself on a deeper level. This combined with watching The Vow Season 2…
I recognized that my intuition had been tampered with. I learned not to trust it.
In the second season of The Vow they go deep into the process - how the pot of water I chose (this personal development group) was brought to a slow boil, such that I didn’t notice. Rational Inquiry claimed to teach you to think critically, but it ultimately acted to confuse you and then imbed a new answer into your psyche…one that fit their agenda. If you challenged the status quo, you became difficult and ultimately were gaslit into believing your issues were the problem.
I came to realize how the whole program was a very slow process to take my own intuition offline and replace it with a new nav system that was more ‘efficient, productive, disciplined and empowered.’ We were taught to override our intuition in order to be ‘successful’.
Was there any good stuff? Yes there was. I really did learn a lot about myself and had some powerful shifts that will stay with me forever.
Having been one of the few people who didn’t ‘throw the personal development baby out with the bathwater’, I have since learned that many of the concepts and frameworks we were taught were actually established elsewhere, not from the mind of Keith Raniere.
Did some of us have a super productive time when we were there? Yes, we did.
Did we crush goals and get shit done? Yes, we did.
But often at the expense of our nervous system - feeling stressed, burning out, never doing enough. If you were doing it ‘right’ you became a robot, and if you were doing it ‘wrong’ then it was clearly your issue that you needed to resolve.
You can’t win.
Many people weren’t happy, fulfilled, or leading from their heart. Because they were negating their intuition.
Our bodies know.
Our intuition is crucial
Okay, so maybe you’re not about to knowingly join a cult…
But there is a lot of shit in the world that is a little bit Culty.
I’ve been trying to untangle my own participation in this for quite some time because Coaching can be a little bit Culty.
The you need this in order to fix yourself, move forward, or change your life…
This answer…
If you disagree or don’t find value in the offer, well then that’s your resistance.
Or the proclamation that working with “me” will help you earn X amount of money, or find your dream man, or hack the algorithm on Instagram.
WE JUST WANT THE ANSWERS DAMMIT!!
So we buy what you are selling us because we desperately want to trust that you have these answers for us.
And many salespeople know this and will use it. And it’s gross.
And yet, here I am as a Coach in this space, who truly believes in the transformation that coaching can offer.
So what do we do?
The only thing I can make sense of is this — and quite frankly it’s not sexy enough to be the answer that either of us desire as a quick fix —
—You have everything you need already inside of you.
My goal as a Coach is pull that wisdom out of you, to show you the magic that I can see in you.
And if working this way feels like a full-bodied YES, then I know I’m in alignment with someone I can partner with. Not someone I needed to bait, dangle scarcity, or be anything other than 100% authentic with.
The answer is always wrapped up in your Intuition. We can learn to practice listening. We can learn to be discerning.
Are you feeling scared because you’re excited and it feels like a huge leap? Or scared because you’re not sure you trust this person?
And we can get it wrong… or we can choose not to listen. That was my journey.
I learned to listen eventually, I needed a few super blow-uppy things to happen first to learn - but you can save yourself the time and start to practice listening now.
Are you pulled towards or pushed away? What happens before your ego takes over and makes meaning out of the whole thing?
If you’re looking for other resources, we have some great episodes that talk about intuition:
Accessing the Divine and Intuitive Healing with Dr. Divi Chandna
+ An amazing episode with Spiritual Mentor Heather Ivany that drops June 12th. (Subscribe so you don’t miss it)
We’re never going to get it perfect.
We’re exactly on time for our own journey.
We can all stand to be a little more kind to ourselves.
Abundance Aggregate
My friend Stacie recently posted about the choice (and value) of deciding to quit a challenge in the final home stretch.
In our hustle culture, this is typically frowned upon - and yet when something is an intentional, intuitive choice, it’s absolutely worth celebrating!
There is a world of difference between a reactive choice and a proactive choice. Only you can discern the difference for yourself, but I’m hoping some of the above tools will help.
Free yourself and your own intuition and read about Stacie’s libration below.
Final thoughts:
Ever been so hangry you will literally eat anything? Our ability to choose in those moments are out the window. We just need the food and it needs to come now. There is a difference between that primal anxiety and the feeling of taking your time to carefully consider the options on the menu.
We don’t become immune to searching for the answer. We just get better at recognizing what’s really going on. I will still feel myself get “amped” up when something feels like the SOLUTION I desire. I have to pause, breathe, get back into my body and check in about what really feels aligned for me.
Do I just want this thing because I’m Starving (ie. feeling ‘lack’ or scarcity)? Do I actually believe it’s worth exploring without any major expectations? Am I already in the process of finding my own path or solution that feels truthful to me but I’m just feeling impatient?
The first step is to consider what’s going on for you. What’s really running the show?
All of the answers are inside of you, and I think you’re brilliant.
All my love.